Do you ever have a moment where you had no idea there was even a wall there?
I mean the walls we build around ourself appear to be so valuable, and needed. They offer us protection and in our heart and mind protection is a good thing, and risking the pain and hurt that comes from tearing down certain walls doesn't seem to be worth it. Or maybe we feel that cannot be what God has planned for us.
But the walls we build keep us from experiencing so many amazing things. Sometimes the wall has been placed there by other people. But most of the time the walls are there by our own doing.
We are actually having a marriage series going on at church. Yesterday as I sat through the message I knew my heart towards my husband was like stone. Of course I could have come up with a reason as to why I felt like that towards him, but in all honesty there was no particular situation where I felt I was holding a grudge.
Then I realized that my wall was built out of fear. The fear of the unknown as to what was going to happen to him and his disease, achalasia. You see my husband has a disease that can't be cured, and our attempt of managing it with surgery has failed. Then recently on our vacation my husband was having a lot of trouble keeping any food down. That was when my heart began to turn to stone out of protection.
Sometimes it may feel easier to have a heart of stone rather than loving deeply and also feeling that pain. “Through sickness and health” doesn't seem so bad until you learn what that means. It means I love my husband deeply and yet I have to watch him suffer with this disease every single day. Some days are good, and most days are not.
My new wall was towards my husband and it was put there simply because I love him so much and it hurts to seem him suffering.
But suffering he does so well. Never letting his disease stop him from loving us, caring for us, and being the husband and father God has called him to be.
The wall is down now. I feel vulnerable, but my heart is no longer made of stone, no longer filled with pride, but instead it is a heart made of flesh and filled with love, compassion, and gratitude for my husband.